


Role Reversal II: The Heath Robinson Ice Cream Caper

by ModernWizard



Series: The Happy Famverse [12]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: "Call me -- ", "Got me. Well done.", Consensual Kink, Dhawan Doctor, Earwax, F/M, Funny, Gallifreyan ceremonial robes are bullshit, Humiliation, Humor, Ice Cream, Innuendo, Jodie Whittaker is The Master (Doctor Who), Kinky Doctor, Kinky Master, Multi, No actual sex, Role Reversal, Sadistic Doctor, So does the Master, Submission, The Doctor gets her Master on, The Doctor is the dominant force in the universe, Whittaker Master, and she likes it, ice cream caper, mood killer, no vogue no dessert, one (1) stupid ceremonial collar, one (1) stupid ceremonial robe, possibly made of sheet metal, the Master is an ICE CREAM FIEND, the Master is not voguing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23846341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: The Doctor decides to be the dominant force in the universe and sends the Master on a ridiculous wild goose chase of a challenge for some ice cream. Since when is she such a snide, sarcastic, sadistic shit? And how does the guy who [thinks that he] is the dominant force in the universe respond?
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Series: The Happy Famverse [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694899
Kudos: 7





	Role Reversal II: The Heath Robinson Ice Cream Caper

_ [INT. THE DOCTOR’S TARDIS kitchen. On a tablet screen attached to the freezer, THE DOCTOR addresses THE MASTER. The tablet is stuck to the fridge with a magnet that says DO NOT KISS THE COOK. YOU’LL DISTRACT HER, AND SOMETHING WILL PROBABLY BLOW UP.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: Hey, Master!  _ [Waves.] _ So I’m out with the fam.

THE MASTER: With the fam? What about me? Don’t I rate? I’m not part of the fam? Why is it that a bunch of humans that you’ve known for less than 0.25% of your lives are your fam, but someone who’s known you all across time and space doesn’t even count? Priorities, Doctor! Priorities!

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: We took Grace piano shopping. She said she needs a portable keyboard. Graham says she already has two. Grace says, ‘Don’t get so  _ keyed up.’ _ She also said not to get between a woman and her stringed instruments. I said it was  _ sound _ advice. I’m so funny.  _ [Thigh-slapping, rollicking chuckles.] _

THE MASTER: Ah. Okay. Well then, that’s understandable. Grace gives me the evil eye and/or insults me whenever I’m in the room, so I’d just as soon not be there when she is.

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [stabbing finger in air] _ : Oh, by the way, I made some ice cream. Do you want a little (as a treat)? Is that still a meme? I think it is. See! I’m totally hip with the youths of today! Anyway...just follow these simple steps. Number one: Solve the riddle. Hint: The answer is a really clever pun.  _ [Snickers to herself with glee, then lets out a little squee of anticipation.]  _ Here’s the question. If time flies like an arrow, what about fruit flies?

THE MASTER: I dunno. They’re annoying? They should get the fuck off my bananas? They’re  _ driving  _ me bananas? They won the 1933 Nobel Prize in medicine? Who cares about fruit flies? Not me, that’s who!  _ [Beat.] _ Ah! Yes! But wait. Fruit flies lead to clever puns, which lead to an answer to this riddle, which leads me to the next step on this Heath Robinson machine sort of wild goose chase, which leads me to the Doctor’s ice cream, which, as we all know, is the best in the universe. Well shit. I guess I do care about fruit flies...

_ [For an indeterminate time, THE MASTER solves extreme puzzles and challenges. He steals an egg out from under a dinosaur’s butt. He dives to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. He secures a copy of  _ Love’s Labors Won.  _ He fits a camel through the eye of a needle, records the music of the spheres, and creates artificial life activated by a bolt of lightning. In each case, his achievement is rewarded with a slip of paper from THE DOCTOR, who has somehow presciently provided the next task in the great search for ice cream.] _

_ [Finally THE MASTER arrives right back in the kitchen where he started, rumpled and much more disgruntled than when he started. As he approaches the fridge, THE DOCTOR addresses him again from the freezer door tablet.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: Congratulations, Master! You’re almost there! Just one more task, and the most unforgettable ice cream in the universe will soon be yours. All you have to do is take a picture of yourself with full ceremonial regalia, and vogue a bit in front of the tablet. I’ll get a picture, and then I’ll let you at it. The ice cream, I mean, not the picture.

THE MASTER: Full ceremonial regalia? I hate full ceremonial regalia! The robes are stupid, and  _ that _ kind of collar is not my kink at all. Makes me feel like a sentient lampshade.  _ [Beat.]  _ Ah. AH HAH HAH HAH! But wait a minute. She said  _ with _ ceremonial regalia, not  _ in. _

_ [THE MASTER poses for a shot in his regular clothes, his robe draped over one arm, his collar sitting on top of his head. He pulls a silly grimace. The tablet takes a photo.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [folding arms, tapping foot, and rolling eyes] _ : Cheater. You have to actually put it on. Come on! You know what I mean! Keep up; keep up!  _ [Snaps fingers.]  _ And stop wasting my time like this. I  _ knew _ you were going to cheat, so I  _ knew _ that I had to write out extra instructions, and honestly it’s kind of stupid. I could be doing more interesting things right now, but nooooo. I have to stay here, giving extra super specific instructions for someone who refuses to follow basic, clear directions.

THE MASTER: Okay! Okay okay okay! Shut up! Fuck you. Just...shut up. This is not —  _ NOT!!! _ — the kind of occasion I like to dress for, and you know it.  _ [Stomps out of the room.] _

_ [THE MASTER reappears wearing his ceremonial robe. He refuses to put on the collar, tucking it under his arm instead. He scowls petulantly as the tablet takes another photo.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [with a heavy sigh, like a weary parent] _ : The collar too, Master. You can’t just hold it. You have to wear the damn thing. Honestly, you’re like a kid.  _ [Adopts sneering, simpering tone.]  _ Should I be calling you Koschei instead of Master? How hard is it to follow a series of simple steps?! Pretty hard, I guess, for someone with your masterful genius brains.

THE MASTER: What? Why? Why? I hate this thing! Do you know how much I hate this thing?  _ [Shakes collar at the tablet. It makes a wobbly, vaguely thunderous noise that suggests it’s made out of sheet metal.] _ I hate it with the fiery passion of ten thousand suns! Mmm. No. Wait. That’s not enough. I hate it with the fiery passion of infinite suns! To the infinite power! It makes me feel like I have my head in the stocks — or I’m a victim of whiplash. It’s — it’s — it’s...stupid! And it makes me feel stupid.  _ [Beat. He clenches his fists, then unclenches them, and huffs out a sigh.] _ Fine then. Fine, fine, fine. Whatever.  _ [Flailing arms as if erasing his objections.] _ One (1) stupid collar, coming right up.

_ [After a minute, THE MASTER, wearing one (1) ceremonial robe and one (1) stupid ceremonial collar, trudges back into the kitchen, his eyebrows and his mouth in thoroughly horizontal lines of wrathful resignation. He stands in front of the tablet.]  _

THE MASTER  _ [opening his mouth in something too wide, forced, and toothy to be a grin]: _ I’m gonna kill you, Doctor. I’m gonna fuckin’ strangle you with my bare h — ah. No. Shit. Wait. You think that’s fun. Okay, I’m  _ not _ gonna fuckin’ strangle you. I’m gonna — I’m gonna — I’m gonna —  _ [He sputters, so frustrated as to be rendered momentarily speechless.]  _ Well, I’m gonna do something really, really,  _ really...BAD  _ and  _ MEAN _ and  _ NOT FUN. _ And you won’t like it at all. You hear me?  _ AT ALL!!!!! _

_ [Beat. THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET stands unmoved, unintimidated, and unimpressed.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [deadpan] _ : You’re not voguing.

_ [THE MASTER forces himself to stand still so hard that he starts shaking. The twitches propagate throughout his body until he’s trembling violently with annoyance.] _

THE MASTER: Ggggggggrrrrrrr _ AAAAAAAH!!!! [Ducks down, switches head from side to side, clearing it. Inhales deeply through nose. Regains composure. Addresses THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET in tones of venomous sweetness.]  _ Well yeah, of course I’m not voguing. Wanna know why? It’s because I’m wearing 85 metric fucktons of fashion  _ don’t,  _ and I can barely freakin’ move.

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: No vogue, no dessert.

_ [THE MASTER scrunches up his entire face. For a moment, he seems ready to emit another wordless yell. Then he relaxes, holding his arms loose at his sides, his head bowed. He resembles a performer gathering energy for their final big number.] _

_ [He assumes a pose. The contrapposto of his hips, the insolent tilt of his head, the double birds he’s flipping, his contorted eyebrows, his tongue sticking out, and the dramatically seething darkness in his large eyes all make it clear that he’s damning the Doctor with all the intergalactic rude body language he can perform at one time.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [in exasperated voice of long suffering] _ : Thank you. See? Was that such a challenge? No. No, it wasn’t. You just made it hard because you’re a pain in the rear. You’re always so difficult. It’s like you have to make things hard just to piss everyone else off.

THE MASTER  _ [jabbing his finger at his breast]: _ I made this hard?  _ Me?! _ You think — 

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [making a big show of putting chin in hand] _ : You know — just for that — maybe I  _ shouldn’t  _ tell you what the next step is. If you want to be a stubborn little git, then you can be a stubborn little git. I don’t have to encourage it, directly or indirectly. Like I said, I’ve got better stuff to do.

THE MASTER  _ [advancing]: _ Oh, don’t you dare — 

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: On the other hand…I have to admit that watching you tie yourself into furious knots, all for a little ice cream, is highly entertaining. I’m taping this, you know.

THE MASTER: You’re  _ what?!?!?! _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [with peals of laughter that mount slightly too loud and go on for slightly too long]:  _ BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Yeah, of course I’m taping it. Why wouldn’t I? The  _ MASTER, _ of all people, going through a silly little routine, fuming all the while, just for some ice cream — this is comedy gold!

THE MASTER: Oh yeah? Well — well — well — fuck it.  _ [Throws hands in the air.] _ Yeah! Just...fuck it. This is stupid, and I’m not playing anymore.  _ [Wiggles out of one (1) silly ceremonial outfit, dumping robe and collar on floor. Spins on heel, exiting the kitchen.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET  _ [in softer, gentler, more coaxing voice] _ : Awww, come on. Don’t give up. Are you just going to give up  _ now, _ after everything you’ve done? You’re so close! You were never such a quitter before, and the stakes were even higher. Come on — come on — come on! You can do it! Just a bit more!

_ [THE MASTER stops and turns back halfway. His eyebrows raise almost involuntarily, a smile coming to his lips as THE DOCTOR’S prerecorded voice urges him on. He can’t resist.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET CONT.: Psssssst. This ice cream is like nothing I’ve ever made before. I guarantee it.

_ [THE MASTER faces the freezer, the door of which swings open.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: Good job! Good job, Master! 100 out of 100! Gold star! Well done. Here’s a little ice cream as a treat.

_ [The freezer is empty except for a minuscule container of ice cream about one-thirty-sixth the size of usual. In other words, THE DOCTOR has apparently used THE MASTER’S TCE twice on it.] _

THE MASTER: What? What??!!?  _ WHAT?!?!!?! _ Come on! Come on!!!  _ COME ON!!!! _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: What? Why are you so mad? I  _ did _ say it was ‘a  _ little _ ice cream.’ That’s exactly what you got.  _ [Smarmy smirk.]  _ You really should pay more attention to what you hear, dumbass.

THE MASTER: Okay, Doctor.  _ [Reaches for little treat anyway.] _ This shit better blow my mind.  _ [Removes mini lid on mini pint, sticks tip of tongue in container. Spits it out, hurling container away.]  _ Awwww, ugh! What  _ is _ that?!?! Rancid lard with gravel a la mode?! Ptooey! Ptooey! Ptooey!

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: You’re spitting it out now and grumbling, right?  _ [In superciliously sarcastic tone.]  _ Oh, now why might that be? Did you think it was going to be something yummy? Why did you think that? I never said that, did I? Noooooo, I didn’t. I only said it was going to be nothing like I’ve made before. And that’s true. I have never made earwax ice cream before. 

THE MASTER: Earwax?! Gah!!  _ [Runs to sink, fills glass with water, swishes and spits furiously several times.] _

THE DOCTOR ON THE TABLET: And I’m never going to do it again because, no matter how I season it, it still tastes...uh...squidgy.  _ [Cracking up.]  _ You’re so gullible, Master! I can’t believe you fell for that! Ah hah hah hah! Actually I can. You always were a sucker for elaborate plans with no actual pay-off.

THE MASTER  _ [twitching in revulsion]: _ Guuuuhhhhhh, I feel unclean. I may have to sterilize my entire mouth.

_ [Turning back from the sink while making faces and complaining, THE MASTER almost runs into THE ACTUAL DOCTOR. She leans in the doorway, legs crossed at the ankles, arms folded, head lifted in a confident, satisfied tilt.] _

THE ACTUAL DOCTOR  _ [with a familiar low tone and eyebrow flick]:  _ Oooh, well done.

_ [Upon seeing THE ACTUAL DOCTOR, THE MASTER jumps, doing a double take. The crinkle of disgust on his face exchanges for a looser expression of confusion.] _

THE MASTER: Doctor! What the fuck is this shit?

THE DOCTOR: Got you.  _ [Eyebrow boink.] _

THE MASTER  _ [blankly]:  _ Got me?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Got you — as you like to say. Well done — as you like to say. You may be the Spy _ MASSSS _ ter, but you have to admit —  _ [smirking up at him]  _ I’m the Games Master. Who’s the man?  _ [Spreads out arms.]  _ Oh snap — I’m the man! Who’s the man?  _ [Spreads out arms again. Beat. Rolls eyes at THE MASTER.]  _ C’mon. I said, ‘Who’s the man?’ Admit it! Admit it!  _ [Jumps around a bit.] _

THE MASTER  _ [shaking head]:  _ You, my dear Doctor, and no one else.  _ [Executes flourishing bow.]  _ You are the man, and you can be the man, for all I care. You can have all the manhood you want, including mine. Hmmm. Uhhh...I might want to borrow it from time to time, though.

THE DOCTOR  _ [back to usual voice for the moment]: _ Okay, sure. Just sign it out in the book, and be sure to fumigate it before returning.

THE MASTER: Uh huh, whatever. So, uh, what was all that for?  _ [Gestures to freezer.]  _ Where did you get  _ that  _ stupid idea? You were cleaning your ears, and you stuck the cotton swab in your mouth, like you do with literally everything else, and then got the genius idea to run with it?

THE DOCTOR  _ [scrunching nose] _ : I don’t run with cotton swabs in my mouth. Since when do I do that?

THE MASTER: Run with the idea of earwax  _ flavor, _ you dumbass, not with a cotton swab in your mouth! What gave you that brilliant idea?

THE DOCTOR _[with a giggle]:_ Because it’s funny. You — the master of your fate, captain of your soul, the one who hates taking advice because you can’t stand being told what to do, even if it’s sensible advice — you, the Master of All Matter, Universally, following every single one of my requests so very eagerly and so very — oh, what’s the word? — _obediently._ _[Smiles sweetly.]_ It’s almost like — almost like — ooooooh, what’s it almost like! Oh, I know! It’s almost like I’m the one who’s mastered you. _[Sweet smile turns snide as she gets all up in his business.]_ Kind of ironic, isn’t it, how that’s your name, but you just give yourself up so entirely and so easily?

THE MASTER  _ [backing up, indignantly, rather than angrily]:  _ I don’t! At all.

THE DOCTOR  _ [stalking forward, relentless]:  _ Oh, but you do. You very much can, and you very much do!

THE MASTER  _ [continuing to back up]:  _ With you, yeah. Under certain carefully defined conditions. To anyone else? Never!

THE DOCTOR  _ [eyes shining, fixed predatorily on him]:  _ But, with me, you’ll do absolutely anything.  _ Anything. _ You wanna know why I did it? Part of the reason I did it was that I wanted to see what you’d do. And you did...everything.  _ [It’s the same smug, fulfilled tone with which THE MASTER told YAZ to stick with him because he controlled everything.]  _ I didn’t expect it.  _ [Clasps hands excitedly.]  _ I never thought that you would be so, so, so very good at being good. Not because you couldn’t do it, of course. I always thought you had the ability to do it because you’re the fucking Master! You can master anything you want to. I just thought that you wouldn’t want to do it. But you did!  _ [Jumps.]  _ You do! You will! That’s so amazing! Fantastic! Brilliant! Amazing!  _ [Jazz hands of jubilation accompany a final jump and a beaming smile.] _

THE MASTER  _ [voluntarily blinking quickly, baffled]:  _ Wait...what’s so impressive?  _ [He still steps backward until he collides with the kitchen counter. Unable to escape any further, he props his hands to either side on the counter, like he might hoist himself up to evade THE DOCTOR, and just stares.] _

THE DOCTOR  _ [voice soft, almost wondering, eyes never leaving his]:  _ You! You’’ll go through the most outrageous, infuriating things just because I ask you to. You’ll do something even if I laugh at you. Even if I tease you. Even if I annoy you or anger you.  _ [Beat. A disturbingly sharp scrunch and flare of the nose. The next words are spoken roughly, quietly, and pointedly.]  _ Even if I  _ humiliate  _ you.  _ [Whispering, eye to eye, tip of nose nearly touching his.]  _ And I know — I know — that there’s nothing worse for the  _ MASSSS _ ter, is there, than humiliation?  _ [Beat.]  _ Is there?

_ [THE MASTER, neither enraged, nor disgusted, nor even confused, any longer, stills. Though he looks everywhere but at THE DOCTOR, he yet trains his entire focus on her. He bends toward her, as if in waiting. His mouth opens to speak as she wishes. He turns toward her and beams on her with such intensity that he becomes a light made flesh, a spotlight, with the sole purpose of serving its illumination to the one worthy of the universe’s attention.] _

_ [He’s shaking now, not the voluntary shudders of agitation, but involuntary tremors, gentle and yet constant. A change moves through him, dissolving all the rigidity from his stance, reorganizing his flesh into a loose and pliant bow — a reverence of compliance. His pupils enlarge to take up his entire irises. His breath quickens as if someone’s holding him by the throat. He tries and tries to smile, even as his trembling shakes the smiles from his lips. Oh yes, there are some things that THE MASTER knows that he will never master about himselves, and one of those is his periodic desire to be mastered.] _

THE MASTER  _ [eyes widening and gleaming] _ : Ye — Nnn — well — I — 

THE DOCTOR: And you know what?

THE MASTER: Uh — huh — wha’?

THE DOCTOR:  _ I like it. _

_[THE DOCTOR_ _fits one hand around THE MASTER’S neck, right up under his jaw. She’s not crushing, but she is pressing just enough so that he knows that she’s there. Finally THE MASTER’S attention snaps directly to her, as if she has pressed a button that demands his instant compliance. Even as he locks onto THE DOCTOR’S gaze, he sighs; his eyes blur slightly, losing focus, and something within him swoons, sweetly subsiding.]_

THE MASTER: I — I — I — 

THE DOCTOR: Know what else? I’m going to be the dominant force in the universe now. 

THE MASTER: I — uh — wow — 

THE DOCTOR: And guess what? You can facilitate that.

THE MASTER  _ [making one last effort to exercise his critical intelligence before it completely deserts him]:  _ You — my lines — 

THE DOCTOR  _ [grinning]: _ Yeah yeah, I know I’m stealing your lines. I’m doing it on purpose too — just FYI, in case you didn’t notice — because I’m obviously so much better at this than you are. So — anyway — you can facilitate that.  _ [Leans close, pulling his face up toward hers.]  _ Wanna know how?

_ [THE MASTER breathes in with an aborted gasp of wonder, but doesn’t exhale. His eyelids flutter quickly. He now releases that breath. To be clear, he’s not asphyxiating at all. No. He’s letting THE DOCTOR’S touch submerge him into a state of consciousness that he falls into with no one else. He opens his mouth, but has nothing left to say.] _

THE DOCTOR CONT.: Good. I’m glad you asked. Get down on your knees and do exactly what I tell you to.

_ [He does. Long pause. She, hand still upon his throat, enjoys looking down on him. No longer performing with the sneers or the condescension, she just stands, short, but still, solid, immovable. Though she has an oval face framed by roundly cut hair, a soft chin, circular cheekbones, and sickle-shaped eyebrows, somehow her curves sharpen in comparison to his. The smugness angularizes her. The settledness of her satisfaction deepens her smirk into something a little more devious than mere pleasure. THE DOCTOR, having turned THE MASTER into her possession, admires her lovely plaything.]  _

_ [Silence. He, the sunflower, upturns toward her sun, recipient of her light and blessing. He waits for her to command him. Neither of them move.] _

_ [Eventually THE DOCTOR lets go of THE MASTER and wiggles, a side-to-side shifting of the hips, while gritting her teeth. She lets out a wordless breath of annoyance and boings on her toes without lift-off, as if prepping for a larger jump.] _

THE DOCTOR: Shit!  _ Shit! _ Just when I’m — shit!

THE MASTER  _ [returning to his usual selves, eyebrows jumping]:  _ Love? What’s wrong?

THE DOCTOR  _ [blurting out the following in a single breath with no spaces between words]:  _ Hold it right there ‘cause my bladder’s about to explode!  _ [She sprints from the room.] _

_ [After a stunned, staring moment, THE MASTER deflates, flopping over to his side, then rolling onto his back. It’s his posture of dramatic deprivation.] _

THE MASTER  _ [in accents of utter despair]: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Shakes fist at kitchen ceiling.]  _ Curse you, call of nature!

_ [After a short space, THE DOCTOR barrels back into the kitchen, hooking her braces over her shoulder with her thumb, panting. She trips on THE MASTER and sprawls on top of him.] _

THE DOCTOR: Oh. Hey! Hi! Are you melting or something?

THE MASTER  _ [in tones of injured dignity, with hand draped over face]: _ No, I’m bewailing my ignominious fate.

THE DOCTOR  _ [getting to her feet]: _ Hah! Sorry about that! Do you ever like get so  _ into _ something that you sort of feel like you have to go, but you’re like, ‘No no, this thing that I’m doing is much more fun. Besides, it’ll only be a little longer. I can wait’? But then the thing that you’re doing keeps going and going and getting funner and funner. And then, fifteen minutes later, your bladder’s like, ‘Um, hey.’ And you’re like, ‘Stfu! I’m having fun.’ And then, fifteen minutes after  _ that, _ your bladder’s like, ‘HEY! OUCH!’ And you’re like, ‘No seriously fuck off. This is way more important.’ And now your bladder is like, ‘You know what? Fuck you! What’s an organ gotta do to get a little love around here?  _ Pay attention to me!’ _ And then you have to go  _ right then _ because otherwise bad things will happen? Well, um, yeah. That’s what happened.  _ [Looks in freezer.] _ Hey, why is the freezer empty? Oh right, the ice cream caper. Well damn. That makes me wonder where I put all the stuff that was supposed to be in there.  _ [Opens oven. Things aren’t in there.] _ Okay, that’s a relief.  _ [Begins systematically opening and shutting all cupboards.] _

THE MASTER  _ [dryly]:  _ Thank you, Doctor, for all those riveting details about your excretory functions that I never wanted to know. I’m truly enlightened.  _ [Picks himself up.]  _ And, in answer to your question, while I do have regular disputes with myselves, I have not as of yet had a screaming match with my bladder.

THE DOCTOR  _ [turning around] _ : I take it that killed the mood, huh?

THE MASTER: Yup. 

THE DOCTOR  _ [with a shrug and scrunch]:  _ Sorry. I  _ tried _ to postpone.

THE MASTER  _ [flapping hand]:  _ Don’t worry about it. Bodily functions are a fact of life.  _ [Beat. Shakes head. Chuckles.]  _ And at least you didn’t let one rip in the dramatic pause right before the high point of your monologue.

THE DOCTOR  _ [jumping around]:  _ Oh yeah! Hah hah! I remember when you did that. ‘I — am the Master, and you — will —’  _ [Fart sound effect.]  _ PPBBBFFFFFFFFSSTTTHT! Bwah hah hah! That was hilarious!

THE MASTER  _ [answering for THE DOCTOR in innocent tones]:  _ ‘But...Master...how exactly do I PPBBBFFFFFFFFSSTTTHT?’ Bwah hah hah! 

_ [THE DOCTOR and THE MASTER flop against each other, one arm around the other, laughing helplessly for a few minutes.] _

THE MASTER  _ [eventually recovering some semblance of composure]:  _ But no. Seriously — I have to ask. What’s with stealing my lines and wanting to become the dominant force in the universe? We both know that  _ you’re _ supposed to be the emotionally constipated manic pixie space lesbian, while  _ I’m _ supposed to be the fabulous alien disaster queer who’s so obsessed with control that even my name sounds like the title of a really bad dom. 

THE DOCTOR  _ [pointing between her and him]:  _ Yeah, but we agreed that we’d switch — remember?

THE MASTER  _ [with a familiar nose scrunch]:  _ We did not. We agreed that we’d do better and live up to our names for once and for all and for  _ good. _ We did  _ not _ agree to swap bullshit.

THE DOCTOR: Yes we did! For the Interdimensional Vaudevillainy people and their annual meeting. ‘Effective Termination of your Nemesis’ or whatever.

THE MASTER  _ [brightening] _ : Oh! Yeah! That! It’s ‘Long-Term Domination,’ by the way.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. That too. So I figured I should practice getting my Master on, right?

THE MASTER: Ah hah! Good idea.

THE DOCTOR  _ [frolicking up in front of THE MASTER]:  _ So...how’d I do? Be honest — but constructive, not brutal.

THE MASTER: Let’s see. Well, the whole ice cream quest was a veritable Heath Robinson caper, both incredibly detailed and utterly fatuous, so full points there. The smug condescension, impatient derision, and gloating mockery of all your recorded messages were spot on, especially in the last few comments about those stupid robes. Full points there as well. Hmmm.  _ [Spins on one foot, thinking. Stops facing THE DOCTOR.] _ Earwax? Also brilliant. Disgusting and disappointing, yes, but also brilliant, in a truly sadistic fashion. As for the in-person bit, I have to take off a few points for the digression about cotton swabs. Five points?  _ [Cocks head, looks at ceiling, contemplates.] _ Five? No, seven. Yeah, seven. But the eyebrow maneuvers were magnificent, the humiliation on point, and the whole choking thing —  _ [Pause. Distracted eyes flicker all about as he mentally consults all his selves, who, for once, all agree. A smile slides across his mouth as his voice lowers.] _ Well, what else can I say? Got me. Finally. Well done.  _ [Wide, deep eyes and a broad, bright smile, all turned on her — his face is as welcoming as his hearts.] _ You can call me — 

_ [THE DOCTOR reaches up and wraps her hand around THE MASTER’S throat again, tight enough to notice, loose enough to breathe. She pushes down, and he sinks to his knees, palms out to the sides and low, offering. He lifts up his face to look at her, and she bends down, and this time they’re both spotlights, shining into each other.] _

THE DOCTOR:  _ Mine. _


End file.
